DiGiTaL OvErDoSe Musical Productions: Home

It seems like for ever since I put pen to paper, but I have been in deep reflection with my Spirit and my Maker.I have had a lot of gratitude for all triumphs and trials. I reviewed my year of ups and downs with tears and smiles. I thought about the things I had done and the things I had tried to do. I relished in my successes and remembered the pain I had gone through. I questioned events of which I had no control that rocked my world and shook my soul. That made me want to love and hate. That made me aspire to be even great. I looked in the mirror and stared in my eyes and I saw wide eyed wonderment still full of surprise. I saw my goals and hopes and dreams. I saw all of what I planned to achieve. I saw my beauty in my smile and faced my fears with my Inner Child. I thought of the loved ones I had lost, Zanette, Bambata, Mary, what the cost! As I started to ask God why, I was comforted by the fact that their Spirits reside in each of us who they have touched. They may have gone, but left behind so much. I challenged myself to grow and change, to strive to better than my very best and not to remain the same. I forgave myself for the mistakes I made and for guidance from God I prayed. I prayed for all those who would be born. I prayed for those who loyalties would be torn. I prayed for all those who would sell their souls for money and fame and a need to control. I pray for those I know and for those I don't that they may see the Light and be filled with hope. I made my list for 2010 of where I was going and where I had been. I gave myself room to alter my plans and gave myself patience to understand. I promised myself to give 110 and if I don't succeed the first time I will try it again and again. I will keep God first, then family and friends. I will do the best I can to reach out to my fellow man and woman. I will open my open my mouth and sing and shout and open my heart to let love out. Love, Peace and Happiness.

For all of you who celebrate and all of you who don't. I thought I would send a note of cheer to help bring in your New New Year. I hope this season is for you all that you hoped it would be. A time to reflect, sings songs of hope, a present under the tree, a moment to be grateful, celebrate new life, a time to just relax and breath away the stress and strife. Perhaps this is a time for you to write that Christmas song, to remember those whose life you shared, but have since long gone. Maybe this is the time to plan for 2010 and resolve to do better and not the same mistakes to make. Well, this may even be a time for you to think about the One on whose birth the day is based, Christ, God's only son. Whatever your reason, you acknowledge the season, I offer this note to you. May you be blessed with hope and peace in everything you do.

Love Shadow

A week ago today I was woken up with a call from my friend and neighbor, Mary telling me that my next door neighbor and family friend Bam had been stabbed to death at Club Sinergy in New Haven, CT. Mary's son and Bam were cousins and very close and my son and her son were best friends. At first I thought she was obviously mistaken. I couldn't speak for a few seconds. Like this can't be true. She must be mistaken. It was someone else. I just saw Bam a couple of days ago. But it was true. I started crying and my estranged husband, who was visiting for the Thanksgiving weekend and my 9 year old son who was very close to Bam came in to my bedroom when they heard me crying. I told them everything was fine. I called my husband back in the room and told him what had happened. He also knew Bam. I told him not to tell Julian yet until it could be done right. Bam was like a second son. He spent alot of time with both my 9 year old, his cousin Mary's son and my older son Jovan playing video games, going swimming at his cousins house. My older son's son and Bams son were the same age, so they hung out together. Its funny because when I first brought my house, I bumped heads with Bam and his grandmother Mrs. Carr a few times about his parking his car in front of my house and hooping it up with his friends. Soon after he and my older son Jovan started hanging out and then everybody started hanging out. Bam was always so respectful and pleasant " Hello Miss Renay, how you doing?".
My husband didn't wait to tell Julian. He went out to the livingroom and immediately told him what happened. This was Julians first experience with death and I wanted it to be done right. My husband thought he needed to deal with reality right then. Needless to say, Julian lost it. He asked a lot of questions about how it happened and where Bam was.
For the next week, I would find myself breaking out in tears constantly, feeling hollow and incredibly sad. My son Jovan was stabbed two years ago and still suffers from PTSD related tremors from it. I cried for his grandmother who was heading a house hold of three men who all needed her guidance and support. She raised Bam and he was the youngest of the three men. I cried for Bam's son and his fiancee. I cried for all that he could have done and will never get a chance to do. I cried for the senselessness of how he died. I cried for my son Jovan who would lose a friend so suddenly and in the same way he was attacked. I cried for my son Julian and his friend who would never see or laugh with or talk to Bam again. They don't understand death. I cried for me because I would never hear Bam say " Hi Miss Renay, how you doing? I went to the funeral today Saturday, December 5th. It was massive. People lined the streets attempting to fit into Pitts Chapel. People in the hallways, on the stairs, in the overflow chapel, in the dining hall, in the church, everywhere. Little kids, teenagers, men and women, White, Black, Hispanic. I stood at the top of the steps and heard the minister share how he found out about Bam being murdered. Bam sent a text message right before he went into Sinergy and he told the recipient that he was safe. The minister told that Bam's life should be celebrated and to remember that his life was not in vain. Revenge is not the answer. I looked around and saw so many young black men and hoped that they heard what the minister was saying. More black men die at the hands of other black men than anything else. I cried for those who would die today at the hands of their brothers. I wondered how many people were friends, family and those who were fascinated. there was a problem with the sound system so all those who were in the basement of the church could not hear or see anything. I remained for about 40 minutes and then I left. I wanted to say hello to the family, but I realized that this was my time to say goodbye and although I did not enter into the church, I did what I needed to do. I am in this for the long haul to listen, bring food, pray, do whatever I could. I would see everyone later today at the house.
When a loved one is taken from us, we are left to wonder why, to wish we had done things differently, to hold each other a little tighter, to sigh a bit heavier, to question the unanswerable, to grapple with the senselessness of it all. We are also left with the memories of his gentleness, his kindness, his courageousness, his humor, his zest for life, his compassion and his hope. Although his physical presence is gone, in each of us his spirit will live on.